Cuffin Season Contract

CUFFING SEASON (noun) - Period of time in which a man secures a woman’s services for companionship, sexual favors & most importantly to stack paper.

Terms & Conditions

1. Duration - The season begins September 12, 2011(The Monday after Labor Day) & ends May 18, 2012(10 days before Memorial Day). These bookend dates give you sufficient time to acquire a prime free agent to begin your cuff before the start of the NFL season. It also allows you to let them down easy as their contract comes to a close.

2. Who - Choosing who to cuff is essential to your happiness in this season. Try to select a woman with a birthday between June & September & is gainfully employed. Research has found that black women are the best option to acquire because they are so desperate for attention after being ignored all Jump Off season aka summertime that they’ll do any & everything to satisfy you. Understand by cuffing a black woman you are more than likely acquiring a past & most certainly future scorned woman, tread lightly. Dominicans & the ever so popular “Other” are a distant second. 

Why? Well it is a known fact that cuffing season also masks as breeding season and who gets pregnant faster than Dominican women? Matter fact, if she’s a Dominican without a child you can rest assure her box is wretched and cease all cuffing negations at once. However, Dominicans are amazing to cuff because they will treat you like a king but always try to extend their contract with performance. ”Other” is in play here for the simple fact they are known to be the best looking women on the planet BUT they usually are not good for much else. So when interviewing an “Other” candidate please check her resume’ for domestic history.

3. Responsibilities - The most intricate of them all. She is to cook or bring over dinner at your beckoning call. Cleaning must be done at the very least once a week, including bathroom(they always think that room is an exception, not this season). During sporting events she must have snacks & drinks ready by 12 (noon) & dinner(made or ordered) by 7:15pm the exact time ‘Football in America” on NBC begins. 

During the actual games, if you have guest over, she must have a book to read & be in a separate room, fully clothed(socks included). NOT parading around in boy shorts & a halter top with no bra showing her supple nipples (See Nerd & Wayno’s Thirst 48) this is a thirst trap. Being that we may not have an NBA season(yes the Knicks got Melo) I ask that you download your teams schedule & she must give you sex during said teams scheduled game. 

By no means is she ever allowed to wear a scarf, durag or any other contraption on her head while sleeping over. Any masks, retainers or bullshit are prohibited. She is also subject to a thorough search upon entering & exiting your domicile. She may not leave with anything she didn’t come with(I had forks & socks stolen last season smh). All men are different so the rest of her responsibilities are at your discretion but the above is the prerequisite.

4. Social Interaction - The only parties she is allowed to attend are those thrown for an immediate family member, your birthday & her office holiday party. Fuck is she doing out dressed like a “slutty officer” or “slutty nurse” on Halloween? I know Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest party night of the year but she should be in a kitchen prepping for the next day. Christmas she shall be allowed out for Midnight Mass and that is it. New Years Eve? No you can count on her being right next to you on the couch drinking your favorite drink & allowing you to penetrate her by 12:07 after calling her family(immediate only). 

Social Media is the land of unwarranted thirst & filth so please make sure her relationship status read “Taken”. Nothing more & nothing less. Lastly, if she has a twitter the only acceptable tweets are “#GymFlow” “Mani/Pedi” “Movie night” or any variation of innocence. By no means is she ever allowed to tweet about “Him” because you sir are indeed “Him” & she’s disrespecting your handle 100% by associating you with the ever scandalous, trifling miscreant “Him”.

5. Benefits - In the interest of fairness, she should reap benefits during this season. You are to allocate 30% of your DVR space for her favorite programming but make sure the erase time is set for 2 days. By no means can she get too comfortable, let’s not get out of hand here. If her birthday unfortunately lands during the season, she is allowed to go to her favorite restaurant(at your expense) with her girlfriends(all of which you must screen). She is allowed to leave up to but never exceed four(4) pieces of her property at your domicile for a sense of comfort-ability. Said articles include a pair of house shoes, a toothbrush, a comb & sweater. Never is she to have any closet space nor leave any feminine products on your premises.

6. Conclusion - This is very delicate. Women are unstable creatures of habit & they conform when comfortable. So when the season comes to an end make sure you break the news in a crowded public area. Preferably you should be good about it & take her out & spend some(as little as possible) of the paper stacked on her as you release her from your roster. Severance packages may be available in the form of considering her for next years Cuffing Season.

These are the rules & they are NON-NEGOTIABLE but feel free to add on anything you feel I may have omitted. I wish you all luck & Happy Cuffing.

This is not the official opinion of mine but its something that I found and wanted to share with you all.